I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
