How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize