I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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