I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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