happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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