All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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