he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
