Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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