how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize