So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
