So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
