It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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