Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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