this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
