I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
