I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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