listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
