i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize