I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
