New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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