dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
