I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
