Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
