I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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