I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
