It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
