Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
