you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
