i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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