I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
