I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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