nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
