a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you win again, gameday.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
