if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
