That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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