i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
and you fell through a lawn chair
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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