if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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