She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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