True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
