im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
