my soul wont recognize me after tonight
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
