so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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