You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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