I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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