do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
