Pants 0. Shit 1.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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