you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
