I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
