who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
