you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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