If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
