my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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