onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
