i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize