absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
