My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
