Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
