So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
