my sisters under your porch take her home
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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