i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
