I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
