bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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